February 20, 2009

Ask Qupid: Mistaking Sex for Love

Reader VioletPlanet asks: why is sex often mistaken for love?

Dear VioletPlanet,

There are a few aspects involved with the answer to this question. The first is that love is commonly mistaken for many things; this has much to do with our early childhood experiences as well as media influence. For example, the strictness that certain adults enforce upon themselves, and others, may very well be traced back to the expectations of their parents.

We don’t need impressive credentials to observe the way that culture and child-rearing shapes people. During the youngest moments of our lives, we’re like baby birds reaching out for nourishment. A baby bird doesn’t question whether or not it will be fed the right food—it simply expects it. Much the same, as toddlers and young children, we don’t question what love is, we just expect it to receive it. In some cases, the emotional nourishment that children believe they are receiving isn’t nourishment at all. This often results in confusion as to what love is.

Without a clear example of a healthy relationship, we may be left to piece together a picture of love based on impressions from television shows, movies, songs and music videos. We can gain an awareness of the behaviors in an adult relationship without understanding the reasoning, or amount of sense, behind them. Based on such a vague understanding, we’d think that love is some kind of strong feeling that makes us “unable to live” without someone, or that we’d “think about them all the time,” as so many popular songs would suggest. Chances are that the first feeling that comes along and resembles these notions is what we’re going to call love. It doesn’t have to involve sex, but if it does, we might easily confuse sex with love.

A more scientific explanation revolves around a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is sometimes released during sex by both men and women. When oxytocin is released, it magnifies feelings of attachment and the desire for closeness; it’s conducive to cuddling. Oxytocin is also released by mothers during childbirth, perhaps creating the powerful bond between mother and child. Understandably, the effects of oxytocin might create a deep emotional connection between two people who aren't actually well suited for each other in a relationship. Beware the oxytocin!

I hope you found this explanation helpful, and I thank you for the question!

Until next time,

Qupid

6 comments:

  1. Hi Qupid,

    Thank you. It is definitely a combination of all of the above. Very well said. I am particularly interested in the idea of how we impose our fantasies of what we think or rather what we want the lover to be as opposed to seeing and believing who they really are.... This begs the question... can we only truly love...when we know?

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  2. Hey Violet! I am also intrigued by the way we can sustain the fantasy of a person in our own minds, using the reality as a sort of canvas to paint our fairy tale on. One possibility is that, when we're afflicted by our brain's love-related chemicals, our mind might attempt to edit the reality of said person to be consistent with the emotions we're feeling. It's like the way our minds can automatically fill in gaps in our memory with things that never actually happened.

    Perhaps some would rather experience the bliss of the illusion than let it go. If love is a drug, then it's the dopamine that gets splashed around in our brains when we're thinking about that special person. Maybe we can become addicted to it.

    From my experiences, if I discovered I didn't love a person, but rather who I thought they were, I concluded that I loved a person who didn't exist and left it at that. There were probably a few real elements of those people that I enjoyed. I don't think we have to know exactly what a person is like to love them--rather, our perception of them should be consistent enough with their behavior that we're not prone to frequent unpleasant surprises.

    In another way, I think you can also love someone for who they are--like their essence, how they express themselves and what gives them their unique flavor--but not for what they do.

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  3. "I don't think we have to know exactly what a person is like to love them--rather, our perception of them should be consistent enough with their behavior that we're not prone to frequent unpleasant surprises."

    Exactly! They must walk the walk and not just talk the talk~ :)

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  4. "I think you can also love someone for who they are--like their essence, how they express themselves and what gives them their unique flavor--but not for what they do."
    Yes, you can appreciate what their "character" is, and separating what they do from this helps keep an objective distance. You have lowered expectations from their behavior, and hopefully, won't be as affected. Qupid, this is a very sophisticated observation!

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  5. Well thank you, Renee! I can't recall the last time my observations were ever described as sophisticated, so I must say it is a very pleasant feeling! And you're right--it's about looking at things objectively, taking the entire picture into consideration. Love isn't always enough! Nice to meet you, Renee!

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  6. Having sex to someone makes you feel that you love that person that moment. You're right, it's just the oxytocin. There are girls that say ''I love you" while having sex to a guy that she barely knew. So sometimes sex is really mistaken for love.

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